Fading Away.....

 

"It's a slow fade when you give yourself away
It's a slow fade when black and white have turned to gray
Thoughts invade, choices are made, a price will be paid
When you give yourself away
People never crumble in a day
It's a slow fade" ~ Casting Crowns

            You're raised a certain way. You're taught certain values and principles.  You're instilled with certain morals.... And all of these things are the foundation of your very being. These beliefs, morals, and values affect every decision you make and every path you take.  And somehow, you think that it'll never change.  This is who you are.... This is how you are... You are resolved to hold strong and never waver from your roots.
            But then, one day, you wake up.... And everything is different.  Look in the mirror, and you don't recognize the person being reflected back.  Its sudden and shocking, it's terrifying, and you have no idea what happened.... Where did the person you were raised to be go? Where did YOU go?

            Somewhere, somehow, I lost myself.  I couldn't see it happening.  I didn't see myself fading away. But somehow, it did happen.  Somehow, sometime, I edged away from who I am.... My strongest morals, my deepest values, and my most personal beliefs became dim and faded.  I think we all believe deep down that it will never happen to us, that we won't be that person that morphs into something other than themselves.  We believe that we'll be the one that makes it out unscathed... It's horrifying to look in the mirror and realize that it has happened to you.  Pieces of yourself have been chipped away without your knowledge, and yet you are the very one that allowed it to happen.
            'Christ is enough.  He's enough for my every need, my every desire, my every longing....' I keep trying to figure out when I forgot this... When did I put these beliefs in the closet? I don't know exactly when or how it happened, but I allowed my desire for God to cloud and become a desire for friends, for attention, for popularity, for men...  I let my desire for something more, something I THOUGHT I needed, to push away some of my more 'inconvenient' values and morals.  Just as heartbreaking is the fact that I allowed my personality and who I am to fade into something that I thought would be more desirable and accepted by others.  I thought that it would be so easy to just act differently, participate in things I normally wouldn't, say things I normally wouldn't... All to be more loved and noticed.  And it was easy.  It was incredibly easy... Until I looked in that mirror, and realized that I didn't like what I saw.  I didn't consider the fact that I might actually become someone else... and that I might not like that person.
           

            Fading away was the easy part.... Now comes the hard part. 

            Not only do I have to reject all of the things I have foolishly allowed myself to become, but I also have to battle Satan and his eagerness to drown me in shame, guilt, and sorrow.  I may be penitent and heartbroken by what I've become, but I will enter into an even darker place if I allow Satan to continue to use this opportunity to make me forget Who has already forgiven me and Who will always welcome me home.  As sick as it may sound, it's very tempting to wallow in self-doubt and shame.  As humans, I think we believe that if we feel bad enough, it will somehow make up for what we've done.  But it won't.  The shame and self-pity are just another part of the sin. 

            People like to say that, "in order for God to forgive you, you have to first forgive yourself".  I don't necessarily believe that's true.  Because hasn't God already forgiven us? Hasn't Christ already died for all of the sins of humanity?  It's not by any of my doing that will cause God to forgive me... but it is by my doing that I accept that forgiveness and allow His grace to flood over me, washing away every ugly piece of shame and self-pity. 

            I don't know exactly how to do it though.  I don't think there's just a lever you can switch to 'self-forgiveness'... at least not that I've found!  I think it's a daily decision to forgive yourself, and strive to be the person you were created to be.  And if daily is too overwhelming, then we try hourly... each minute... every moment taking a deep breath, accepting forgiveness, and stepping forward.  It's going to be exhausting... I've already grown tired! But each time I accept forgiveness and step forward it gets a little bit easier.  The guilt on my shoulders is less heavy.  And the shame is less overpowering. 

            I'm motivated by my desire to wake up each morning knowing that when I look in the mirror, that I will be able to see a bit more of ME.  That the image I see will be one I recognize.  And that Christ's image will be reflected right beside me, free of guilt, shame, or self-pity.  I want to look in the mirror and have the assurance that I am where God wants me, that His image is reflected through me, and that its more clear than the day before. 

            Yes, it's a slow fade, becoming out of focus and distant... but when the image is clear again, I have to believe that the reflection will be even brighter than before.  But have patience... because its slow. 

Living Joyfully in Reality (or Living Regretfully in the 'What Ifs')

My last Summer before graduation is almost over. Less than 2 weeks before I begin the trek back down South to take on my Senior Year of Nursing School. How this Summer has flown by.... It seems that just yesterday I was flying home after my 2 week long choir tour, and now I have school looming ahead of me once again. This final year is bringing with it so many conflicting emotions. One the one hand, I miss all of the beautiful people that have come to mean so much to me in Southern California. I can't wait to see them, rejoice with them, laugh and love with them once more. But on the other hand, God has blessed me beyond all imagining with the family He has given. My time at home has been one of rest, healing, laughter, and more love than I could ever ask for.  How can I possibly bear to leave them?

This Summer had taught me many things, but foremost in my thoughts of late has been the subject of what I imagined my life to be versus the reality that God has ordained. A very dear friend and I spent many hours this Summer discussing and pondering this topic. There are so many trifling and ultimately unimportant things that come up in my mind and, if I allow myself to think about them, cause me to begin living regretfully in the 'what ifs' of my life.

I don't know if other children did this, or perhaps it was just me, but as a child I imagined up and built this rather extravagant picture of what college and adulthood would look like. I pictured a popular and perfect girl.  One who was involved in absolutely everything on campus, one who got perfect grades, was in Student leadership, had the perfect boyfriend... A girl whom everyone adored and wanted to be around. Perhaps it's obvious to you, but it was far from obvious to a child that what I was imagining was impossible. Because I wasn't imagining me.

My tendency is to picture that girl in my mind and then feel like a failure, because I didn't accomplish those things that I thought of as a child. But this Summer I have slowly (very slowly!) come to the realization that I don't want to live in the 'what ifs'. That road only brings regret and slowly drains me of joy. I've spent the last 3 years waiting for this imaginary girl to magically appear. But you know what I figured out? That was an incredible waste of my time!!!  If only I had realized sooner that its truly alright, and much more glorifying to God, to just be who He created me to be... And to live joyfully in the life that He lovingly designed. When I think back on the last 3 years and think "I wish I had done that", or "I wish I would have been more like that", it's almost as if I'm telling God that the life He has given me wasn't good enough... Like He made a mistake or something. But He didn't! His very nature assures me that His ways are perfect and purposeful.

Regret is a nasty creature. As I already said, it steals your joy... But it also reduces our ability to fully trust in and praise God for His loving plan.  It's going to be a daily, if not hourly, battle to fight the tendency to feel regret. But it's a battle that I'm determined to fight, and with Christ's help I know that I will conquer it.

So here's to abiding in who you were created to be... To trusting the wisdom of the One that created you... To living each day without regret... And to living joyfully in reality.
Senior year, here I come!



Dedicated to my dear friend and "twin" Katherine. Your friendship and unconditional love gives me strength and inspires me to become more of a woman after God's heart. Thank you for quietly listening to my often times childish rants, for giving advise from Scripture and our shared experiences, and for laughing with me through all that life brings us.

A Perfect Day

Why on earth are you here? You should have taken the day off! Oh hunny, you should have told me it was your birthday, then we would have said not to come in. You should be doing something fun!

           Such were the myriads of comments that were made after someone at work found out it was my 21st birthday.  I just laughed, shrugged my shoulders, and said that I was happy to be there. 

          
           I think many people thought that I was just trying to be positive, but honestly there was nowhere else I'd rather be today.  Ever since I was a little girl I've wanted to be a nurse.  I've never changed my mind, wanted to try something else, or become bored or upset about being in the hospital setting.  There is tension, laughter, tears, heartbreak, rejoicing, comfort, fear and love.  Some people say they can't stand the smell of hospitals (for obvious reasons!), they are too cold, or hospitals just plain scare them.  But I love it!  I just... I just do. 

             

           Only one more year left until I am a fully-fledged RN. I can hardly believe it! So soon. But until  then, I am volunteering at our local hospital.  Every weekend I look forward to Monday, because it means that I will once again be entering into the world that I love... the environment that brings me so much peace... doing what makes me feel completely fulfilled.  But what would this building, this environment be without its most precious cargo?  It's life-blood, and very heartbeat... the people. 

             

           Many people believe that a hospital or clinic is all about the patients.  Bring the ill, the hurting, the damaged through our doors, find a plan of healing, get 'em healthy again, and send them back out into the world.  While this is somewhat true, and the patients are certainly very important, there is another and much larger population that effects and is effected by the hospital: the staff.  Doctors, nurses, physical therapists, techs, CNA's, environmental workers, receptionists, cooks, suppliers, chaplains... the list could go on and on.   Each and every one of these individuals has a role to play in the life of the hospital, and each individual is directly affected by another.

             

           People are such strange and wonderful beings, don't you think?  They can be frustrated by smallest thing, made perfectly happy with a simple gift, completely crushed by a single word, and healed with just a gentle touch.  But you see, a great portion of our society believes that hospital personnel are some sort of super-humans.  They are supposed to be tough, unbreakable, always in control, all-knowing... they are, in fact, supposed to be perfect.  But they're not.  You see, they are just people... fragile, imperfect, irrational, passionate, and most of all, human.  And they 're wonderful!

             

           As a volunteer, I'm supposed to minister to the patients, bring joy, and make everyone's life a little bit better.  But in reality, I am the one being ministered to.  The patients and staff are what bring me joy.  And each person that I work with, talk to, or simply pass in the hallway touches my life in some way.  Today, only a few people knew that it was my birthday.  But it was perfect that way!  Without meaning to, each person made my day perfect.  Someone made me laugh, someone made me feel special, someone took the time to talk with me, someone shared their story.  I cried, I laughed, I was hurt, I was busy, I was embarrassed, but mostly.... I was happy.  And it was all because of people.  Those perfectly imperfect people that I work with and for.  There is no place else that I'd rather spend this socially monumental day in my life. 

            

           I guess I was "supposed" to spend it wildly partying, livin' it up, and raising hell.  But this is why I was born, this is what makes me fulfilled, this is what gives me joy... this is where I am meant to be.  And it's perfect.  

"Don't go looking somewhere else to find out who you are. The miracle isn't in the life you didn't have, but in the life you do have."

Holding Onto Joy

You know that wonderful, peaceful, and almost unexplainable feeling you get when the world seems so beautiful and perfect, and all you can do is smile and just be so thankful for being alive?  I hope you do.... because it's the most blissfully perfect feeling imaginable.  It's so much more than just pure happiness.  The thing about this perfect feeling is that it is usually quite fleeting.  For me, at least, this feeling seems to pop up quickly and grace me with its beautiful presence, and then all of a sudden something dark and scary comes crashing through my world to steal this perfect feeling... it steals my Joy.

It's been almost a year since I suddenly lost my closest uncle, whom I love so dearly..... About 10 months since my beautiful Gram unexpectedly went home to be with Grandpa and her Savior.  Both of these events completely stole all of the joy and happiness within my heart.  The emptiness that was created from my lack of joy began to be filled with anger, hurt, mistrust in the goodness of God, and questioning of His plan.  I felt betrayed and unloved by God.  I was so completely heartbroken and angry, that I couldn't ever imagine experiencing that wonderful feeling of Joy again. 

The frustrating part about heartbreak and loss is that everybody tells you: "God knows", "It gets better", "You will be happy again".... but we can't see that those things are possible while we are being swallowed up in our heartbreak and anger. 

Home Sunset

I was praying constantly... begging to be given an understanding of why God had brought my family home way before I had planned for them to leave.  Isn't it funny how we humans seem to think that we can plan out our "perfect" little story of a life, and that God will look at our plan and go, "Oh, that looks pretty good... we'll go with that!".  Obviously, that's not how God works.  Its cliche', but its cliche' because its true: God's plan is always best.  With understanding, I was also praying to be given back some of my Joy... for my eyes to be opened to the multitudes of small blessings and happiness' that God imparts to each day.  I desperately wanted to be freed from this dark place that I was allowing my heart to live in.  Very slowly, bit by bit, day by day, Joy came creeping back into my heart... as I looked for things to be thankful for, things to smile about, and people to love, God was answering my prayers. 

It's a daily battle, however, to keep finding joy.  When I let my own plan for my life become more important than God's plan, it's then that I get hurt all over again.  Because then my thoughts are on how Gram and Uncle David were supposed to be at my 21st birthday this year... how they were supposed to be at my Nursing School graduation next Spring... and how they were supposed to see me get married.  But those are my plans. They were never God's plans.  His plan is for them to be in Heaven, free from pain, sorrow, hardships, and in the presence of their Savior. They've won. They finished the race. They are home first!  His plan for them is far better than the one that I created for them.

When (and I certainly don't always!) I choose to focus on God's plan for them and for me, it is then that I begin finding Joy once more.  Instead of concentrating on my sadness, I can actually concentrate on today.  I can actually see the beautiful sunset that was created just for today... I can see the humor in one of my numerous daily blunders... and I can see the beauty and worth of the people around me.  That wonderfully blissful and completely perfect feeling comes slowly back, pushing away the darkness that I allowed in its place.  I am not saying "Be happy all the time!"... that's for people on too many meds.  What I am saying is that with the numerous daily opportunities for Joy that God has provided, what a shame it would be to allow our hearts to pass that Joy by and choose darkness and hurt in its place.  So choose Joy today.... and hold on to that Joy, because Joy is the most wonderful gift. 

OB/Pediatric clinical group. The love and joy in these women helped me find my own joy once again.

Love: The Most Difficult Choice

"Let all that you do be done in Love".... "Love your neighbor as yourself"...."The greatest of these is Love".  Seems easy enough, right?  I mean, I love people.  I love being around people, I love doing things for others, I love making people feel happy.  I've got this!  Or....

Perhaps not. 

What about that girl that always looks at me with judgment in her eyes?  What about the man that is condescending toward me?  What about the teacher that ignores me?  What about the girl that always makes me feel inferior? What about the boy that hurt my friend?  What about the boy that hurt me?  Do I love them? 

It's easy to say, "yah! Of course I love them. After all, I'm a good Christian girl, so I love everyone, because Jesus says to...."  But when I really think about it, do I treat them lovingly? Are my thoughts toward them gracious and kind?  Do I speak of them lovingly?  If I search the inner most parts of my heart, I would have to answer honestly... No. 

The sting of this realization is sharp, painful, and shocking.  Perhaps I'm not as kind as I believe. Perhaps I only love some people.... The people that are loving to me in return, perhaps?  Where is the love in that?!  Where is the graciousness, the kindness, the mercy, the blessing in that?  Coming to the realization of a dark, sinister, and hidden part of your heart that before was subconscious is frightening.  It's terrifying. How could I be this person?  The person that is now displayed before me is not that of a woman who is reflecting God's character.  If I was reflecting God's character at the most basic level, then I would have to love. I would have to love.... everyone.  Because God, although complex, incomprehensible, and awe-inspiring, is at His most basic level, Love.  In Love, He created the world.  In Love, He allowed free-will.  In Love, He performed miracles.  In Love, He continuously saved His people.  In Love, He sent His Son to earth.  And in Love, God allowed His son to die for all of mankind, including me, so that we could dwell throughout all of eternity in the wonderful bliss of His presence.  If the very Son of God loved humanity enough to die for all people past, present, and future, how very arrogant of me to assume that I am above loving everyone as He did.  How absurd and prideful! 

If I am to even begin to become a dim reflection of Christ, then I have to start here... with Love.  And it's not a choice of whom I'll love, it's a choice of whether I'll love.  There can be no middle ground.  I cannot have one foot in godliness, and another in worldliness.  I cannot have one foot in love, and another in hate.  It simply cannot be accomplished.... To love one person, while still allowing hatred and disgust of another to remain in my heart, would cancel out the love.  I would become stagnant and useless.  Two opposing factors cannot reside together and still thrive.

I must choose one.... Love my neighbor.... every neighbor.... or hate (not love) everyone.  One option is so difficult. Nearly impossible.  The other is pretty easy... But how do I want to live my life?  What do I want to look like?  Whom do I want to look like?  If I want to reflect Christ, I must choose the impossibly difficult option...

Which will you choose?