You know that wonderful, peaceful, and almost unexplainable
feeling you get when the world seems so beautiful and perfect, and all you can
do is smile and just be so thankful for being alive? I hope you do.... because it's the most
blissfully perfect feeling imaginable.
It's so much more than just pure happiness. The thing about this perfect feeling is that
it is usually quite fleeting. For me, at
least, this feeling seems to pop up quickly and grace me with its beautiful
presence, and then all of a sudden something dark and scary comes crashing
through my world to steal this perfect feeling... it steals my Joy.
It's been almost a year since I suddenly lost my closest
uncle, whom I love so dearly..... About 10 months since my beautiful Gram
unexpectedly went home to be with Grandpa and her Savior. Both of these events completely stole all of
the joy and happiness within my heart.
The emptiness that was created from my lack of joy began to be filled
with anger, hurt, mistrust in the goodness of God, and questioning of His plan. I felt betrayed and unloved by God. I was so completely heartbroken and angry,
that I couldn't ever imagine experiencing that wonderful feeling of Joy again.
The frustrating part about heartbreak and loss is that
everybody tells you: "God knows", "It gets better",
"You will be happy again".... but we can't see that those things are
possible while we are being swallowed up in our heartbreak and anger.
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| Home Sunset |
I was praying constantly... begging to be given an
understanding of why God had brought my family home way before I had planned
for them to leave. Isn't it funny how we
humans seem to think that we can plan out our "perfect" little story
of a life, and that God will look at our plan and go, "Oh, that looks
pretty good... we'll go with that!".
Obviously, that's not how God works.
Its cliche', but its cliche' because its true: God's plan is always
best. With understanding, I was also
praying to be given back some of my Joy... for my eyes to be opened to the
multitudes of small blessings and happiness' that God imparts to each day. I desperately wanted to be freed from this
dark place that I was allowing my heart to live in. Very slowly, bit by bit, day by day, Joy came
creeping back into my heart... as I looked for things to be thankful for,
things to smile about, and people to love, God was answering my prayers.
It's a daily battle, however, to keep finding joy. When I let my own plan for my life become
more important than God's plan, it's then that I get hurt all over again. Because then my thoughts are on how Gram and
Uncle David were supposed to be at my
21st birthday this year... how they were supposed
to be at my Nursing School graduation next Spring... and how they were supposed to see me get married. But those are my plans. They were never God's
plans. His plan is for them to be in
Heaven, free from pain, sorrow, hardships, and in the presence of their Savior.
They've won. They finished the race. They are home first! His plan for them is far better than the one
that I created for them.
When (and I certainly don't always!) I choose to focus on
God's plan for them and for me, it is then that I begin finding Joy once
more. Instead of concentrating on my
sadness, I can actually concentrate on today.
I can actually see the beautiful sunset that was created just for
today... I can see the humor in one of my numerous daily blunders... and I can
see the beauty and worth of the people around me. That wonderfully blissful and completely
perfect feeling comes slowly back, pushing away the darkness that I allowed in
its place. I am not saying "Be
happy all the time!"... that's for people on too many meds. What I am saying is that with the numerous
daily opportunities for Joy that God has provided, what a shame it would be to
allow our hearts to pass that Joy by and choose darkness and hurt in its
place. So choose Joy today.... and hold
on to that Joy, because Joy is the most wonderful gift.
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| OB/Pediatric clinical group. The love and joy in these women helped me find my own joy once again. |
