This Summer had taught me many things, but foremost in my thoughts of late has been the subject of what I imagined my life to be versus the reality that God has ordained. A very dear friend and I spent many hours this Summer discussing and pondering this topic. There are so many trifling and ultimately unimportant things that come up in my mind and, if I allow myself to think about them, cause me to begin living regretfully in the 'what ifs' of my life.
I don't know if other children did this, or perhaps it was just me, but as a child I imagined up and built this rather extravagant picture of what college and adulthood would look like. I pictured a popular and perfect girl. One who was involved in absolutely everything on campus, one who got perfect grades, was in Student leadership, had the perfect boyfriend... A girl whom everyone adored and wanted to be around. Perhaps it's obvious to you, but it was far from obvious to a child that what I was imagining was impossible. Because I wasn't imagining me.
My tendency is to picture that girl in my mind and then feel like a failure, because I didn't accomplish those things that I thought of as a child. But this Summer I have slowly (very slowly!) come to the realization that I don't want to live in the 'what ifs'. That road only brings regret and slowly drains me of joy. I've spent the last 3 years waiting for this imaginary girl to magically appear. But you know what I figured out? That was an incredible waste of my time!!! If only I had realized sooner that its truly alright, and much more glorifying to God, to just be who He created me to be... And to live joyfully in the life that He lovingly designed. When I think back on the last 3 years and think "I wish I had done that", or "I wish I would have been more like that", it's almost as if I'm telling God that the life He has given me wasn't good enough... Like He made a mistake or something. But He didn't! His very nature assures me that His ways are perfect and purposeful.
Regret is a nasty creature. As I already said, it steals your joy... But it also reduces our ability to fully trust in and praise God for His loving plan. It's going to be a daily, if not hourly, battle to fight the tendency to feel regret. But it's a battle that I'm determined to fight, and with Christ's help I know that I will conquer it.
So here's to abiding in who you were created to be... To trusting the wisdom of the One that created you... To living each day without regret... And to living joyfully in reality.
Senior year, here I come!
Dedicated to my dear friend and "twin" Katherine. Your friendship and unconditional love gives me strength and inspires me to become more of a woman after God's heart. Thank you for quietly listening to my often times childish rants, for giving advise from Scripture and our shared experiences, and for laughing with me through all that life brings us.
