Fading Away.....

 

"It's a slow fade when you give yourself away
It's a slow fade when black and white have turned to gray
Thoughts invade, choices are made, a price will be paid
When you give yourself away
People never crumble in a day
It's a slow fade" ~ Casting Crowns

            You're raised a certain way. You're taught certain values and principles.  You're instilled with certain morals.... And all of these things are the foundation of your very being. These beliefs, morals, and values affect every decision you make and every path you take.  And somehow, you think that it'll never change.  This is who you are.... This is how you are... You are resolved to hold strong and never waver from your roots.
            But then, one day, you wake up.... And everything is different.  Look in the mirror, and you don't recognize the person being reflected back.  Its sudden and shocking, it's terrifying, and you have no idea what happened.... Where did the person you were raised to be go? Where did YOU go?

            Somewhere, somehow, I lost myself.  I couldn't see it happening.  I didn't see myself fading away. But somehow, it did happen.  Somehow, sometime, I edged away from who I am.... My strongest morals, my deepest values, and my most personal beliefs became dim and faded.  I think we all believe deep down that it will never happen to us, that we won't be that person that morphs into something other than themselves.  We believe that we'll be the one that makes it out unscathed... It's horrifying to look in the mirror and realize that it has happened to you.  Pieces of yourself have been chipped away without your knowledge, and yet you are the very one that allowed it to happen.
            'Christ is enough.  He's enough for my every need, my every desire, my every longing....' I keep trying to figure out when I forgot this... When did I put these beliefs in the closet? I don't know exactly when or how it happened, but I allowed my desire for God to cloud and become a desire for friends, for attention, for popularity, for men...  I let my desire for something more, something I THOUGHT I needed, to push away some of my more 'inconvenient' values and morals.  Just as heartbreaking is the fact that I allowed my personality and who I am to fade into something that I thought would be more desirable and accepted by others.  I thought that it would be so easy to just act differently, participate in things I normally wouldn't, say things I normally wouldn't... All to be more loved and noticed.  And it was easy.  It was incredibly easy... Until I looked in that mirror, and realized that I didn't like what I saw.  I didn't consider the fact that I might actually become someone else... and that I might not like that person.
           

            Fading away was the easy part.... Now comes the hard part. 

            Not only do I have to reject all of the things I have foolishly allowed myself to become, but I also have to battle Satan and his eagerness to drown me in shame, guilt, and sorrow.  I may be penitent and heartbroken by what I've become, but I will enter into an even darker place if I allow Satan to continue to use this opportunity to make me forget Who has already forgiven me and Who will always welcome me home.  As sick as it may sound, it's very tempting to wallow in self-doubt and shame.  As humans, I think we believe that if we feel bad enough, it will somehow make up for what we've done.  But it won't.  The shame and self-pity are just another part of the sin. 

            People like to say that, "in order for God to forgive you, you have to first forgive yourself".  I don't necessarily believe that's true.  Because hasn't God already forgiven us? Hasn't Christ already died for all of the sins of humanity?  It's not by any of my doing that will cause God to forgive me... but it is by my doing that I accept that forgiveness and allow His grace to flood over me, washing away every ugly piece of shame and self-pity. 

            I don't know exactly how to do it though.  I don't think there's just a lever you can switch to 'self-forgiveness'... at least not that I've found!  I think it's a daily decision to forgive yourself, and strive to be the person you were created to be.  And if daily is too overwhelming, then we try hourly... each minute... every moment taking a deep breath, accepting forgiveness, and stepping forward.  It's going to be exhausting... I've already grown tired! But each time I accept forgiveness and step forward it gets a little bit easier.  The guilt on my shoulders is less heavy.  And the shame is less overpowering. 

            I'm motivated by my desire to wake up each morning knowing that when I look in the mirror, that I will be able to see a bit more of ME.  That the image I see will be one I recognize.  And that Christ's image will be reflected right beside me, free of guilt, shame, or self-pity.  I want to look in the mirror and have the assurance that I am where God wants me, that His image is reflected through me, and that its more clear than the day before. 

            Yes, it's a slow fade, becoming out of focus and distant... but when the image is clear again, I have to believe that the reflection will be even brighter than before.  But have patience... because its slow.