Holding Onto Joy

You know that wonderful, peaceful, and almost unexplainable feeling you get when the world seems so beautiful and perfect, and all you can do is smile and just be so thankful for being alive?  I hope you do.... because it's the most blissfully perfect feeling imaginable.  It's so much more than just pure happiness.  The thing about this perfect feeling is that it is usually quite fleeting.  For me, at least, this feeling seems to pop up quickly and grace me with its beautiful presence, and then all of a sudden something dark and scary comes crashing through my world to steal this perfect feeling... it steals my Joy.

It's been almost a year since I suddenly lost my closest uncle, whom I love so dearly..... About 10 months since my beautiful Gram unexpectedly went home to be with Grandpa and her Savior.  Both of these events completely stole all of the joy and happiness within my heart.  The emptiness that was created from my lack of joy began to be filled with anger, hurt, mistrust in the goodness of God, and questioning of His plan.  I felt betrayed and unloved by God.  I was so completely heartbroken and angry, that I couldn't ever imagine experiencing that wonderful feeling of Joy again. 

The frustrating part about heartbreak and loss is that everybody tells you: "God knows", "It gets better", "You will be happy again".... but we can't see that those things are possible while we are being swallowed up in our heartbreak and anger. 

Home Sunset

I was praying constantly... begging to be given an understanding of why God had brought my family home way before I had planned for them to leave.  Isn't it funny how we humans seem to think that we can plan out our "perfect" little story of a life, and that God will look at our plan and go, "Oh, that looks pretty good... we'll go with that!".  Obviously, that's not how God works.  Its cliche', but its cliche' because its true: God's plan is always best.  With understanding, I was also praying to be given back some of my Joy... for my eyes to be opened to the multitudes of small blessings and happiness' that God imparts to each day.  I desperately wanted to be freed from this dark place that I was allowing my heart to live in.  Very slowly, bit by bit, day by day, Joy came creeping back into my heart... as I looked for things to be thankful for, things to smile about, and people to love, God was answering my prayers. 

It's a daily battle, however, to keep finding joy.  When I let my own plan for my life become more important than God's plan, it's then that I get hurt all over again.  Because then my thoughts are on how Gram and Uncle David were supposed to be at my 21st birthday this year... how they were supposed to be at my Nursing School graduation next Spring... and how they were supposed to see me get married.  But those are my plans. They were never God's plans.  His plan is for them to be in Heaven, free from pain, sorrow, hardships, and in the presence of their Savior. They've won. They finished the race. They are home first!  His plan for them is far better than the one that I created for them.

When (and I certainly don't always!) I choose to focus on God's plan for them and for me, it is then that I begin finding Joy once more.  Instead of concentrating on my sadness, I can actually concentrate on today.  I can actually see the beautiful sunset that was created just for today... I can see the humor in one of my numerous daily blunders... and I can see the beauty and worth of the people around me.  That wonderfully blissful and completely perfect feeling comes slowly back, pushing away the darkness that I allowed in its place.  I am not saying "Be happy all the time!"... that's for people on too many meds.  What I am saying is that with the numerous daily opportunities for Joy that God has provided, what a shame it would be to allow our hearts to pass that Joy by and choose darkness and hurt in its place.  So choose Joy today.... and hold on to that Joy, because Joy is the most wonderful gift. 

OB/Pediatric clinical group. The love and joy in these women helped me find my own joy once again.

Love: The Most Difficult Choice

"Let all that you do be done in Love".... "Love your neighbor as yourself"...."The greatest of these is Love".  Seems easy enough, right?  I mean, I love people.  I love being around people, I love doing things for others, I love making people feel happy.  I've got this!  Or....

Perhaps not. 

What about that girl that always looks at me with judgment in her eyes?  What about the man that is condescending toward me?  What about the teacher that ignores me?  What about the girl that always makes me feel inferior? What about the boy that hurt my friend?  What about the boy that hurt me?  Do I love them? 

It's easy to say, "yah! Of course I love them. After all, I'm a good Christian girl, so I love everyone, because Jesus says to...."  But when I really think about it, do I treat them lovingly? Are my thoughts toward them gracious and kind?  Do I speak of them lovingly?  If I search the inner most parts of my heart, I would have to answer honestly... No. 

The sting of this realization is sharp, painful, and shocking.  Perhaps I'm not as kind as I believe. Perhaps I only love some people.... The people that are loving to me in return, perhaps?  Where is the love in that?!  Where is the graciousness, the kindness, the mercy, the blessing in that?  Coming to the realization of a dark, sinister, and hidden part of your heart that before was subconscious is frightening.  It's terrifying. How could I be this person?  The person that is now displayed before me is not that of a woman who is reflecting God's character.  If I was reflecting God's character at the most basic level, then I would have to love. I would have to love.... everyone.  Because God, although complex, incomprehensible, and awe-inspiring, is at His most basic level, Love.  In Love, He created the world.  In Love, He allowed free-will.  In Love, He performed miracles.  In Love, He continuously saved His people.  In Love, He sent His Son to earth.  And in Love, God allowed His son to die for all of mankind, including me, so that we could dwell throughout all of eternity in the wonderful bliss of His presence.  If the very Son of God loved humanity enough to die for all people past, present, and future, how very arrogant of me to assume that I am above loving everyone as He did.  How absurd and prideful! 

If I am to even begin to become a dim reflection of Christ, then I have to start here... with Love.  And it's not a choice of whom I'll love, it's a choice of whether I'll love.  There can be no middle ground.  I cannot have one foot in godliness, and another in worldliness.  I cannot have one foot in love, and another in hate.  It simply cannot be accomplished.... To love one person, while still allowing hatred and disgust of another to remain in my heart, would cancel out the love.  I would become stagnant and useless.  Two opposing factors cannot reside together and still thrive.

I must choose one.... Love my neighbor.... every neighbor.... or hate (not love) everyone.  One option is so difficult. Nearly impossible.  The other is pretty easy... But how do I want to live my life?  What do I want to look like?  Whom do I want to look like?  If I want to reflect Christ, I must choose the impossibly difficult option...

Which will you choose?

Dream Job

For you created my inmost being;
    you knit me together in my mother’s womb. 

 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
    your works are wonderful,
    I know that full well....

Your eyes saw my unformed body;
    all the days ordained for me were written in your book
    before one of them came to be.

~Psalm 139:13-14,16

"Where are you going to work?".... "What are you going to do?".  Now that I am preparing to enter into my last year of nursing school, these are questions that are seemingly thrown at me all the time.  When I was a little girl, the question of "What are you going to be when you grow up" never phased me.  "I'm going to be a nurse!" was always my ready reply.  I never debated between two careers, I never doubted my desire to be a nurse, I never questioned my motive.  But now that I am approaching the finish line of receiving my BSN, that answer is no longer adequate.  I now must decide where exactly I would prefer to work.

Labor and Delivery Rotation

For nurses, the job opportunities are endless, and the options exciting.  Coming into nursing school, I already had a strong feeling as to where I would like to work, but through each of my clinical rotations, I am discovering several other areas that I surprisingly really enjoy.  These include OB, OR, and Mental Health. The area that I have always loved, and would still be my #1 choice, is OB.  I love everything about OB! Prior to nursing school, I really believed that I would love working in the NICU, and would probably like Labor and Delivery (L&D).... but what I discovered is that I love the NICU, L&D, and Postpartum.  Basically anything involving babies. 

Children truly are a gift from the Lord, and there is nothing that can be compared to the awe and wonder that the miracle of birth inspires within me.  Each day I could not wait to get to clinical (which is NOT normal for me), and was always very reluctant to leave.  I will never forget the name of my first NICU baby... I will never forget the tears and goosebumps that seeing my first birth gave me... and I will never forget showing a brand-new daddy how to swaddle his newborn son, and then seeing his face light-up with excitement when he did it himself.  How blessed I would be to have the gift of daily walking beside families, as they turn the page to this new chapter of their lives. 

 Birth and new life can be joyous, exciting, terrifying, nerve-wracking, or heart-breaking... but it is always momentous, moving, emotional, and unforgettable.

Ordinary Moments, Extraordinary Memories

"Unable are the loved to die, for love is immortality." ~ Emily Dickinson

 Missing someone is about those special moments when something happens and you turn to catch their eye and know that they're thinking the same thing you are... and they're not there. It's about those unforgettable times in your life, when something incredible happens and your first impulse is to call and tell them... but you can't.  It lies in the simple moments of life that you would normally share with them... those ordinary, day-to-day moments that are seemingly unimportant, but suddenly become times that you would give anything to experience again.  Those are the moments that fill your memory the most.

            When their presence is suddenly missing from activities, family get-togethers, lazy days, and quiet moments, the natural response is to wonder where they are, remember they are gone, and then feel the pain of their absence once more.  The pain in that moment is sudden, natural, involuntary.  But what about the moment after that? That second moment is the determining factor in how you will live your life.  Will that second moment also be consumed with sorrow, pain, and anger? Or will you fill it with something else?  Therein lies the key to peace.

            You can fill that second moment with memories and feel sad again, or you can fill that second moment with memories, and smile... Smile because you can see them laughing... Smile because you can remember them telling that same old joke again... Smile because you can still feel their arms around you in a warm embrace.... Smile because those moments happened.   Your memories of that person are not given to you to make you hurt each time you think of them.  God gives us those memories to remind us of his extraordinary blessings.  God gives the memories to tide us over till we can see them again. God gives the memories so that a part of them remains always with us. 

            So remember, and be at peace.  Don't ignore the pain. Don't deny the sorrow.  But embrace missing them as validation for the deep love you shared.  If the ordinary moments become extraordinary remembrances, how much more amazing will heavenly moments be?

"I'm kind of homesick for a country
To which I've never been before.
No sad goodbyes will there be spoken
for time won't matter anymore."

Remember.... and smile.

Horizontal Violence: Stopping the Cycle

According to the Gallup Poll, Nurses are still the #1 most trusted professionals. This is most likely due to the long history of self-sacrifice, understanding, acceptance, and tenderness that Nursing has.  Unfortunately, what many people do not realize is that cliques, gossip, judgment, and coldness are also found between coworkers within the healthcare setting.  This is known as horizontal violence.  Nurses are often very adept at hiding these problems from patients and their families, but the effects this violence (or bullying) has on individual nurses and the overall hospital morale are very real.  

 Bullying between nurses deflects our attention from our true purpose (serving others, caring, bringing comfort) and draws it to negative thoughts, feelings and actions that are either truly unimportant, or are simply wrong.  The problem is that many nurses, especially nursing students or new nurses, begin to think that it is normal to be pushed around or ignored and so begin to accept it as normal.  This is so heartbreaking! We enter the nursing profession with grand ideas of the impact and change we will have on patient's lives... wonderful thoughts of how caring and loving we will be.  But then we let negative experiences and frustrations with our facility or other nurses affect the way we treat each other and our patients, and this becomes our new normal.  You must be careful of what you tolerate, for what you tolerate you will soon accept, and what you accept will eventually become a part of you.

As a future nurse, I am dedicating my life to showing love, compassion, and understanding to those that are physically, mentally, or emotionally distressed.  How can I and other nurses commit our lives to treating others in this caring, and in my opinion, Christ-like manner when we cannot even treat other nurses with love? It is my responsibility to show the same respect and kindness to other nurses that I would expect from them.  True change can only happen if most, if not all, nurses commit to truly creating within our professional circles the environment of compassion, respect, and care that we are known for publically.  But it must begin with individual change.  It must begin with me.  We have all heard it a million times, but Jesus truly did say it best when He said, "So whatever you wish that others would do to you, do also to them, for this is the Law and the Prophets" (Matthew 7:12, ESV).   

Nurses are held to an extreme standard of reliability, trustworthiness, and kindness.  How can we uphold this standard and be what people believe us to be if we cannot even love and trust one another?  We as nurses encounter people at their darkest times... the times in which the most love and compassion is needed.  In order to show this love to our patients, we must be able to love each other as well.  "Let all that ye do be done in love" (1 Corinthians 16:14, NASB).  Be the change you want to see.  Keep nursing as the #1 most trusted profession.  Do not get caught up in the violence... do not allow it to become "normal"... be careful of what you tolerate, for what you tolerate you will soon accept, and what you accept will eventually become a part of you.